If you'd told me 6 months ago where I'd be today, I would've belly laughed at you. If you'd sat down with me in our enormous home, sipping coffee as we overlooked the expansive landscape that was our "back yard," and said: "Mandy, in 6 months time, your life will be completely opposite what it is now: Your home will be a third of the size, you'll have no friends, no neighbors over regularly for bonfires, and no neighborhood kids running around. No longer will your trampoline be a gathering place for gaggles of kids, your back yard will be a 20 x 30 foot fenced space, and almost everything that made up "you" will be gone. 5 of your 6 kids will be enrolled in public school, you won't have a church home where you're actively involved, and the hollowness in your heart will be almost more than you can bear. No Tuesday night women's Bible studies where you get to watch relationships mend and grow as you share the Word and pray over the women you've come to love dearly like family. Your husband will thrive and soar in his new vocation, finally having a calling on his life that makes a diference in the world. Your kids will be gone 8 hours of the day, and the deafening silence both in your home and in your heart will nearly break you. But you'll be exactly where you're meant to be." Well, if you'd said all that, I would have kindly asked you to leave. And I wouldn't have believed you. But here I am...3 months into this move and all of these things are now my reality. Not every bit of the change is terrible, but so much change at once has buckeld my knees at times. What a reality check to learn how I derived my meaning and purpose. I'd hazard a guess that I put waaaaay too much stock in what I did over who God says I am. It was all stripped away. Just like *that.* Women's ministry leader? Now we don't even have a church we call home. We're still a bit unsettled in that area, and seeking where we "fit." Active community member? No longer is my husband on the soccer board or are we friends with countless members of our commuinity. No longer are we recognized wherever we go as that "big family with all the kids." Homeschooler? Almost all of my kids are now enrolled in public school and starring their homework is no longer on my to-do list. No longer do I get to see those "A-Ha" moments as they happen. Strong-willed Wife? With my husband's newfound career came a new-found confidence and he is really stepping up as the leader of our family. Sounds great until I have to swallow my pride and take my rightful position. Now my days are filled with different tasks and I hold a different purpose. I get kids up, fed and ready and then deliver them to a building of strangers who do what I couldn't. There is no humility like taking your children to someone you don't know and humbly admitting, "You will do this better than I can." There's no wound like admitting something that once fulfilled you and gave you purpose must die for something else to come to life. There's no fear like the FEAR that rises as you wave goodbye to your babies and send them off, all the while ignoring your churning stomach and the tears threatening to fall. There's no gut-wrenching feeling like assuring your littles that school is "good" as they cry that they don't want to go back, when you're not even 100% confident in your decision to send them. There's no loneliness like looking around at unfamiliar landscape all around you. Figuratively and literally. There's no discomfort like the pruning process where God strips you of almost everything and says, "This is for your good." And theres no where else I'd truly rather be than where He leads me. Depsite it all...the sadness, the loneliness, the fear, the anxiety...I trust Him when He says He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me (Jeremiah 29:11). I also believe it when He tells me that He is working it all out for my good (Romand 8:28). This is the first, tough step of many in a long road that will lead to good. I'm trusting in that.
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I watched as my three year old snatched the car from my six year old's hand. Then I saw my six year old attempt to grab the car back and a tug-of-war began. There was yelling and crying.
I interrupted to tell the three year old to give the car back. The six year old waited a beat and then grabbed at it again. I said, "I will handle this for you!" and proceeded to tell the three year old to give the car back again. My six year old was having none of it. He didn't even wait to see what his brother would do before grabbing at the car from his brother's hand again. I so often see God's lessons for me while I'm addressing my kids. Today's lesson? To really let God handle it when He tells me He will. How many times have I been the angry, wronged child in the situation and I insist on demanding or grabbing back what was taken from me? How many times have I waited a beat to let God handle it only to jump in and try to wrestle the situation to my liking again? It's easy to say "Let go and let God handle it," but it's harder to practically apply that. As human beings, we are required to make decisions in life. Even when we allow the Lord to take control of the situation, there are things required of us. We must pray for wisdom to know what to say, when to say it, and how it should be said. We must pray for the heart of the others involved, that God would soften their hearts and reveal to them any area they need to address. We must pray for revelation about any areas that we need to address and any ways our own hearts may be hardened. And we must pray for humility to put the other person first, even when it feels unfair. We speak to and about the other person(s) with respect, regardless of how they speak. What situation are you wrestling from God's Hands today? What is it that you need to let go and let God handle? I remember standing in that old church building, staring at the words on the screen, singing along to a song that I barely knew, but recognized enough from its repetitive play on the radio. when I got to the part about the Lord taking me to a place where my trust knew no borders...I couldn't sing anymore. I stopped cold. All of the sudden this top 20 Christian hit was a dagger in my heart. All the sudden this was more than just a nice women's conference. This was about to be life-changing and I knew it. I love that this song, Oceans by Hillsong United, is about Peter. I so identify with Peter. He had such a deep heart. He also had an unfortunate penchant for speaking too soon, listening too little, and an astounding propensity for responding in a split-second, knee-jerk manner. That's me in a nutshell. The story in the gospels where Peter jumps out of the boat to walk on the water to Jesus has always been such an encouragement. To have the faith of Peter to believe that I could get out of the boat... And then the way my heart warms and I feel a kinship to him as he sinks below the waves the minute he takes his eyes off Jesus. That's also me in a nutshell. Deep-water faith in the shallow end. I want to be brave. I want to have ocean-sized faith. I want to jump out of the boat and sprint to Jesus on the water. But more times than not, I get caught up in the waves: The waves of doubt, fear, worry, the everyday struggles... I had no idea when I sang those words that God would soon be calling me out of a boat and asking me to walk across water. I find myself, right now, dangling in the water, holding on to the side of the boat, gasping for breath. Most of the time, I keep my head above, but too often it dips below. Sometimes I see Jesus and sometimes I see nothing but the waves. Why can't Jesus lead me across a still, shallow pond? Even as I ask the question, I know the answer. If He led me where I could go on my own, I wouldn't need Him. Here, gripping the sides of the boat, feet nowhere near touching the bottom, I have three choices: 1) Get back in the boat 2) Let go and keep my eyes on Jesus as I walk to Him, or 3) Drown. I know I've come too far and offered myself to Him too much to get back in the boat. And I surely don't want to drown. But the fear of taking those steps across the vast expanse separating Him from me is almost too much to bear. What's worse? The fear of doing nothing and not trusting Him. And He says, 'Come,' he said. I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus. It's the only way to keep my head above the waves.
1,567.8 That's the number of miles I drove in a 4-day time span. In a minivan packed with 6 kids and a dog. And when you're the chauffeur of that many kids on a cross-country trip, you do far more than just drive. You change movies, charge and hand out devices, dispense snacks with one arm, and mediate millions of questions akin to a presidential press conference. I logged those miles on a cross-country journey that changed our lives forever. I do have a flair for the dramatic, but I'm being serious this time. God has flipped me upside down in more ways than one over the past 4 months and my head is still spinning. It's so easy to profess faith and obedience when things are coasting along nicely, moving at a calm pace and the most the Lord is asking of you is to apologize to your kids for snapping at them. But when the storm is raging, the rubber hits the road, and you're faced with living out your profession of faith, that's when things get hairy. I've wanted to write this out for so long, but the twists and turns just kept coming, so I couldn't find myself on the other side of it enough to sort out my thoughts. Just when I thought I'd mastered it, a new wrench was thrown in the works and I was sent into a tail spin again. One thing I've learned? If you tell the Lord that you put Him first and that you'll obey, He will surely test you. And He has such a knack for digging under the surface of our fist-pumping proclamations, doesn't He? I mean, He's God, after all. He knows our inner-most thoughts and feelings. He knows when we mean it or not, even when we don't know for sure. And boy will He ever call us on the carpet when it's needed. I've been called on the carpet. More times than I can count in the past 4 months. It stings. It induces gut-wrenching, tear-filled, snot-producing sessions where you call out to God asking Him to "just take it all away." Sometimes He does and sometimes He doesn't. Sometimes, He allows us to work through these times seeingly on our own (although we KNOW that He never leaves us) and we have to put our faith into practice. We have to fall back on those scriptures that we read and professed to believe at the time when we stood inside our picket fence. We have to dig deep and determine if we really meant it when we said, "Anything for You, Lord!" We have to decide if we'll follow His directive all the time or if we just follow Him when it's easy and comfortable...or something we understand or enjoy. See, I was ready and willing to follow what I thought He was calling me to. It was when the tables turned and the real thing I was being asked was revealed that I had to take a stand. I had to make a decision. Suddenly, I found myself eating all the words I'd said to others who I thought weren't being brave and were "too comfortable." Suddenly, everything I'd believed I was, I realized I wasn't. But the beauty of the Lord is that He is so gracious and He allows us the oppportunity to dust ourselves off, wipe the egg off our face, and try again. When we ask forgiveness and for His strength, He comes through. So here I am, 1200 miles from what I've called home for the past dozen years. Everything is new and foreign. I worked myself into a frenzy to unpack and set up "home" in an effort to establish "normal." Something else I've learned (and OH! I've learned so much) is that when God calls you to something new, He really IS calling you to something new. Even when we bring some familiar things to that new place or season, it will never be the same. We may have all the furniture, the family photos, and the magnets on the fridge, but this house still isn't home. At least not yet. We're getting there. I have successfully found my way to and from some places, which does so much to amp up my comfort level in the face of a tidal wave of stress and a sea of unknown. I find myself struggling with my own displacement while simultaneously trying to encourage my children through their own. It's hard to coach them that "soon enough this will feel like home too and we'll make friends for sure" when I'm sobbing over my own missed comforts and friends. And then, when I'm quiet and in a moment when the tears stop, I know... I know that He has plans for me...for all of us here. For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11 Moving hurts, but that's just part of something bigger. It's not because God enjoys watching me ache or seeing my kids sad. It's because with growth and change, something has to end for something else to begin. Something has to die in order for something new to come to life. We can never stay exactly the same while also changing. Right after God tells us His promise to give us a hope and a future, verses 12 and 13 say: 'Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" I must call on Him. I must pray to Him. And when I feel lost, I must continue to seek Him and then I will find Him...when I seek Him with all of my heart.
Seeking is a verb. It requires action. It requires effort on my part. I cannot possibly stand still and seek the Lord at the same time. That means the scenery will change. My environment won't always look the same. But what will be the same is the Lord. He will be found. That means that as I unpack our things and set up a new home, I must pack up all the doubt, all the sorrow, and all the negative energy I'm focusing on anything other than seeking Him. It means that new doesn't have to equal sad. It only equals new. And different. And if I'm consumed in looking at what's in my rearview, I'll miss what's up ahead. I don't want to miss it because God promises it's something amazing and for my good. Are you in a new season? A new home? A new city? I get it. I do. "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14 Let's encourage one another to press on to the goal. Let's hold hands and run across the finish line toegther, champions in this race of life. Puttering around doing laundry and cleaning today, I was struck by profound thought. When I was younger, an important woman in my life taught me how to properly clean a room. She taught me to start on the left of the room and systematically work my way around toward the right until everything was dusted, top to bottom. Then, she taught me to vacuum, after all the dust had been knocked to the floor. It was so simple, but had she not introduced me to the concept, I would have continued jumping from one thing to another, missing areas that needed dusting and causing more work for myself. Had she not taken the opportunity to explain to me why she did what she did, I {most likely} wouldn't have contemplated such a wise, systematic approach. What if, instead, she had merely criticized my method and pointed out all the flaws associated with it? What if she told me I was a horrible clean-er and that she wanted nothing to do with me? It seems extreme, but stay with me... Like that example, I wonder how many times we encounter someone who does, says, or believes differently than we do and instead of explaining what we believe with grace and respect, we write them off as being "ignorant". How many times do we spit our opposing views with condescension and pride, ridiculing them for how they differ from us? Ouch. I'm feeling the sting of conviction. This woman in my life never condemned me, spoke ill to or about me, nor did she force her method on me. Instead, sticking to her own full-proof method, she exampled that hers was the wiser way and I took notice. So when the opportunity presented itself, I could see that her words matched her actions and the outcome was good. Also? She opened my eyes to something I hadn't already considered...and it was literally life-changing. How many with whom we come in contact haven't had a different way presented to them in a way that is throught-provoking, non-divisive, and respectful? How many are building walls because of our delivery method when we could be building bridges and changing lives? I'm not just talking about cleaning methods, here. What about some hot topics like vaccinating, breast feeding, baby wearing, homeschooling, discipline, marriage, ministry, finances? Or...what about salvation? What if we're presented with an opportunity to share Jesus with someone and we blow the opportunity because we're so disgusted by the other person's lifestyle or beliefs? What if that once-in-a-lifetime chance to share the Gospel is wasted by our pride and haughtiness? And what if that could have been the moment that changed that person's life...if only we'd shared with respect and grace? If a person is going to reject something I say, may it be because they disagree, and not because of my delivery. I'll be thinking about this for a while. Do you feel like you walk to the beat of your own drummer? For all who feel like you're JUST off from most of those in your circle. I'm here to say: 1. You're not alone 2. There's nothing wrong with being different, God made us this way 3. Don't change to "fit in" to someone eles's mold --AND-- 4. Being different may not mean what you think it means See, I've often thought that being different from my friends or those I'm closest to meant that I needed fixing. When I would allow myself to be transparent and let down my guard to share my deepest thoughts or ask the burning questions of my soul, I'd often (and still do) get shut down. The reactions varied from confusion and glazed eyes to "pat" answers like "we'll find out one day" or "I don't think it really matters in the grand scheme of things..." Shut down. There are a few things that can make me come unhinged in 2 seconds flat: 1. When my electronics malfunction or die 2. Cupboard doors left open 3. Being shut down (Not necessarily in that order.) I've run the gamut on how these reactions make me feel. Sometimes I feel dumb for asking or sharing in the first place. Sometimes I get angry for being made to feel insiginficant or "blown off" and sometimes I clam up and promise myself to 1) change or 2)stop sharing with these people. It was during a three-day obsessive funk recently that I had a realization... Being different than someone else, or even different from MOST, does not equal being inferior or "behind" them. In fact, sometimes the things I ruminate on and question are very deep. I believe that instead of squashing these thoughts, I need to stop trying so hard to have others entertain them, understand them, or give me insight on them and rather take them directly to the Lord. I believe that others don't "get" what I'm sharing because they aren't on the same page. That--being on a different page-- used to intimidate me. It often feels like being inferior. And, as I believe God is revealing to me, that simply isn't always the case. It's funny, but I've begun to recognize that I have people in my life that I talk to about different things. This friend and I talk about writing and ministry. This friend and I talk about spiritual gifts. This friend and I talk about leadership. This friend and I talk about design. This friend and I can share when we're hanging by an emotional thread and take off the mask of calm and composure. This friend and I don't talk about many deep things at all. And on and on... I'm learning that I need to acknowledge the "safe topics" with my different friends and not give myself a headache by putting myself in the position of being "shut down." The heartache is simply not worth it when I delve into subjects with those who simply don't understand or care to hear what I have to share. Also? I realized that I often look at others as being spiritually more mature in certain areas in which I question. Sometimes that's the case. And sometimes I think that, because the Lord has me digging deeper and seeking, He's growing me. I'm not simply settling for comfortable and pat when it comes to understanding God, understanding His ways. and understanding who He has made me to be. Sometimes God has us on fact-finding, soul-seeking missions with our questions and longings, and sometimes He gives us rest to just be. I also think some of us are more prone to being "SEEK-ers" and others to being "BE-ers." I would also dare to say that many who shut us "SEEK-ers" down do so because they don't have the answers and are uncomfortable with saying so. They're comfortable with knowing what they know and being who they are, so those that push the boundaries and ask hard questions bump up against their comfort. That's okay. We're all on our own journey and I am only responsible for going where the Lord leads me. Too often I rely on friends to fill in the blanks of my curiosity and wonder. I look to people to answer questions and guide me into deeper understanding when God is the only One who can. No one "gets" me in certain ways because they were never intended to. God has placed questions on my heart that He has literally DIED To answer. And only Him. I spent a lot of time recently feeling very lonely, defeated, and disconnected. I ached with wanting to be "fully known" by someone. But after I cried out before the Lord and laid it all before Him, I see now that no one will ever be able to fill that God-sized hole in my life. No one will ever know and understand every part of me--no one except for the one who wrote the blueprint of who I am. Do you think differently than most? Do you ask hard questions? Do you want to go deeper and understand more? Are you confident that there's more to life than just what we see? More than what we experience in the everyday mundane? Don't stop. Keep digging and asking and fleshing it out. Sojourn on, sister. If God has placed those desires on your heart, He will be faithful to answer them. And remember that not everyone will get that. And that's okay. Hi, All! Have you missed me? I mean...I didn't exactly go anywhere, but my blog name did change from Suburban Stereotype to Mandy Pagano. I'm still writing, although not quite as much... But it dawned on me a couple of months ago that when I moved my blog, I forgot to set up the automated emails so that you see when I write a new post. <what??!> So....I went ahead and transferred all of your emails from my old blog to here. If you'd rather not receive them, you can unsubscribe at any time (and I'll pretend it doesn't break my heart). :) I'm planning to be bringing you much more content and some awesome Bible studies and resources in the near future. I'm excited! Thanks for joining me! ~Mandy The River Chick – Rebecca GreebonMy first experience with true Anxiety came roaring in on the coat tails of my introduction to Motherhood. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I had never felt anxious up to that point. You don’t live for long on this planet before walking through a moment (or six) of nervousness as you face the challenges of life. I’m not talking about those times. I’m talking about Anxiety, with a well-deserved capital “A”, as it is most certainly one of the big guns. I’m talking about the mind-numbing, gut-clenching, breath-hitching, all-consuming episodes of panic and/or despair that make you dread the day, or the night, or the hour, or all the moments in between. I’m talking about the inability to stop shaking, or think clearly, or cling to reason, or feel confident that it will ever get better and you will ever feel “normal” again.
It’s exhausting. It’s defeating. It hit me shortly after the birth of my first son. I didn’t know then that I was experiencing postpartum issues. I didn’t know that it was actually a very common problem for new moms. I only knew that I was exhausted and overwhelmed, swamped by the vicious cycle of hormone fluctuations my body was experiencing. I was rattled, and disappointed in myself. What kind of mother was I? Why wasn’t I bursting with joy into the world of baby? Why did I start shaking every day around lunch time, escalating into full-blown panic by dark as I contemplated yet another night of crying (his and mine) and frustration? Why did I dread having visitors as well as being alone? Leaving the house as well as staying inside? Sure, I was tired….but so are all new parents. It was no cause for a meltdown. Read the entire post HERE. The River Chick – Rebecca Greebon I’m a girl, in every sense of the word…which means I have a host of labels – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, mentor, co-worker, partner, giggler, crier, speaker, listener, and (best of all) child of the One True King. I started writing because I have a passion to share with all the other girls (and guys) out there just how amazing they are, and how much they are loved, and how important and blessed every day is, even when we are lost or crazy or distracted or completely over ourselves and the world. The link to my blog is theriverchick.com – it’s a mostly anecdotal, inspirational blog to encourage and maybe teach a little along the way. I sometimes do devotional series as well. I’m fairly new to the blogging world, so it’s not super big or fancy. I got started because I am a Director of Women’s Ministry for our church, and love to support, encourage and create community. In our current virtual world, online writing helps with that goal. Dear Anxiety, I believe that you came into my life the day I was born. There were many down the generational line who battled you. Some battled you through denial and control, some through isolation and avoiding people, and some through alcohol abuse… I remember as a 3rd grader, a teacher pulling me aside and telling me that I needed to SLOW DOWN. She put her hand against my chest and said- “Child, you are going to give yourself a heart attack if you don’t slow down.” My grandfather died of a heart attack and my father still to this day, suffers with heart disease… …you have killed and you have wounded my family- you have made many of us cower from the full life that the Maker intended when He made us “fearfully and wonderfully”. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%20139:14 I recall as a pre-teen waking up one morning and sensing that nothing was the same inside of me. Click HERE to read the entire post. As a young child, I can’t remember life before a spirit of fear and anxiety slithered in and took up residence. I was “a good girl” and always aimed to please…so much so that to some degree I lost myself because I looked to adopt the ideas and expectations others set in order to be accepted. I did my chores, excelled in school and always strove to go above and beyond. Yet with that came anxiety and worry. It manifested in such great proportions that teachers nicknamed me a “worry-wart” and I wore that label like a badge of honor. It also led me to take on responsibility that wasn’t mine to carry. When my father died in my adolescence, my first anxious thought was, “What do I have to do to support my family?” And my next thought was, “This will not happen to me. I will be able to support my family if anything were ever to happen to my husband.” This pushed me not only to work hard and succeed, but also to take on a burden God never meant for me to shoulder. Click HERE to read the rest of this post.
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Mandy is:Wife to 1. Mom to 6. Lovin' Jesus. Living' Life. Laughin' at the craziness of it all. Archives
September 2017
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Mandy Pagano