The River Chick – Rebecca GreebonMy first experience with true Anxiety came roaring in on the coat tails of my introduction to Motherhood. Don’t get me wrong – it’s not that I had never felt anxious up to that point. You don’t live for long on this planet before walking through a moment (or six) of nervousness as you face the challenges of life. I’m not talking about those times. I’m talking about Anxiety, with a well-deserved capital “A”, as it is most certainly one of the big guns. I’m talking about the mind-numbing, gut-clenching, breath-hitching, all-consuming episodes of panic and/or despair that make you dread the day, or the night, or the hour, or all the moments in between. I’m talking about the inability to stop shaking, or think clearly, or cling to reason, or feel confident that it will ever get better and you will ever feel “normal” again.
It’s exhausting. It’s defeating. It hit me shortly after the birth of my first son. I didn’t know then that I was experiencing postpartum issues. I didn’t know that it was actually a very common problem for new moms. I only knew that I was exhausted and overwhelmed, swamped by the vicious cycle of hormone fluctuations my body was experiencing. I was rattled, and disappointed in myself. What kind of mother was I? Why wasn’t I bursting with joy into the world of baby? Why did I start shaking every day around lunch time, escalating into full-blown panic by dark as I contemplated yet another night of crying (his and mine) and frustration? Why did I dread having visitors as well as being alone? Leaving the house as well as staying inside? Sure, I was tired….but so are all new parents. It was no cause for a meltdown. Read the entire post HERE. The River Chick – Rebecca Greebon I’m a girl, in every sense of the word…which means I have a host of labels – wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, mentor, co-worker, partner, giggler, crier, speaker, listener, and (best of all) child of the One True King. I started writing because I have a passion to share with all the other girls (and guys) out there just how amazing they are, and how much they are loved, and how important and blessed every day is, even when we are lost or crazy or distracted or completely over ourselves and the world. The link to my blog is theriverchick.com – it’s a mostly anecdotal, inspirational blog to encourage and maybe teach a little along the way. I sometimes do devotional series as well. I’m fairly new to the blogging world, so it’s not super big or fancy. I got started because I am a Director of Women’s Ministry for our church, and love to support, encourage and create community. In our current virtual world, online writing helps with that goal.
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Dear Anxiety, I believe that you came into my life the day I was born. There were many down the generational line who battled you. Some battled you through denial and control, some through isolation and avoiding people, and some through alcohol abuse… I remember as a 3rd grader, a teacher pulling me aside and telling me that I needed to SLOW DOWN. She put her hand against my chest and said- “Child, you are going to give yourself a heart attack if you don’t slow down.” My grandfather died of a heart attack and my father still to this day, suffers with heart disease… …you have killed and you have wounded my family- you have made many of us cower from the full life that the Maker intended when He made us “fearfully and wonderfully”. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%20139:14 I recall as a pre-teen waking up one morning and sensing that nothing was the same inside of me. Click HERE to read the entire post. As a young child, I can’t remember life before a spirit of fear and anxiety slithered in and took up residence. I was “a good girl” and always aimed to please…so much so that to some degree I lost myself because I looked to adopt the ideas and expectations others set in order to be accepted. I did my chores, excelled in school and always strove to go above and beyond. Yet with that came anxiety and worry. It manifested in such great proportions that teachers nicknamed me a “worry-wart” and I wore that label like a badge of honor. It also led me to take on responsibility that wasn’t mine to carry. When my father died in my adolescence, my first anxious thought was, “What do I have to do to support my family?” And my next thought was, “This will not happen to me. I will be able to support my family if anything were ever to happen to my husband.” This pushed me not only to work hard and succeed, but also to take on a burden God never meant for me to shoulder. Click HERE to read the rest of this post.
I am struggling this week. I thought life was headed one way and then it didn't. In the aftermath of my emotions skyrocketing and then plummeting, I'm feeling numb, disappointed, a little empty, and a lot unsure. I am hungry to see clearly God's direction. I am starving to find the verse that makes everything make sense, so I can press into it. But I have yet to find that verse and I'm feeling, instead, a little dark and a lot like an island. I overcame one attitude hurdle, and I feel a small victory in that, but the sadness remains. Inside, it feels like with the change of direction that life took, God is replacing the original plan with a new one, but in the interim, I'm on pause. I don't know that I even agree with the likelihood of that analogy since God always knew that life was going to take this turn. It's not as if He was surprised at the turn of events and had to "scramble" to put together a Plan "B". Maybe--could it be that I had a clear vision of Plan "A" and I'm scrambling to redirect my thoughts to a Plan "B"? That's probably much more likely. Is it okay to feel disappointed? I think it is, as long as I'm not disrespectful or disobedient in the process. This dying to self really, really stinks. Especially when what you're dying to is what you thought was God's Will. I feel a little like how Peter may have felt in Matthew during the Transfiguration. When he awoke to find Jesus talking with Moses and Elijah, he was so excited (and half asleep) that he started rambling on about building three altars; one for each man. God interrupted Peter to tell him to be quiet and listen. Peter was suggesting something noble and Godly, yet it wasn't what God was asking. God said to Peter: While he was still speaking, a bright cloud covered them, and a voice from the cloud said, 'This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased. Listen to him!'" Matthew 17:5 Am I mistakenly offering to build altars?
Am I missing what the Lord is trying to say to me? Am I running ahead, full of noble, yet misplaced, plans and dreams? I have no answers. But I'll wait here, praising Him and trying very hard to listen while He speaks. Anxious according to Webster includes synonyms nervous, worried and uptight. Antonyms include calm and relaxed. The interesting thing about being anxious is that it is possible to be worried about something, at the same time outwardly having a calm demeanor. Many days, that is the very scenario I found myself in. May of 2013 our family moved to the Appalachian Mountains. My husband is a college football coach and moving is common. This move was filled with joy, hope and excitement. At the same time, it was a whirlwind. My husband (as many coaches do) moved in a week. We followed 6 weeks later. Packing up the house we had lived in for 10 years so quickly could have felt overwhelming, but truthfully, God blessed us with incredible peace. Our path was clearly revealed, and that entire summer overflowed with scenarios where we watched as God answered prayers. The one prayer still hanging… To read the rest of this post, click HERE.
Sometimes things go smoothly and pieces fit together. Sometimes there are hiccups, but, keeping our hand to the plow, we see progress and movement. And sometimes God let's us wait. Those moments that we stand still, fidgety and eager...that great tension as we stand poised on the edge of the unknown...the knowing that what we are about to launch into is so far above us and intricately designed by God Himself...the how and the details can scare us and bog us down, cause us to stumble in our steadfastness. But, OH to know that the Lord is positioning you for something great, He's using you. He's using YOU. Like a roller coaster that slowly click, click, clicks its ascent...that precious, seemingly never-ending pause at the top as you take in the view and the vastness that surrounds you...and then the plunge. That breath-taking, all-consuming exhilaration that washes over you and stops time for a beat defies time and easily consumes. It's during the click, click, clicking that we tend to get antsy. We tend to get frustrated as we see the top, but feel like we're never going to get there. The fear, the anxiety, the anticipation: It's maddening. But what if instead of being frustrated or angry at the lack of movement, we embraced the time the Lord gives us to catch our breath? What if we simply took in the delicious anticipation and allowed God to work in us as He continues to prepare us for the plunge? What if we embraced the "calm before the storm" and took in the quiet? What if we used that time to allow the Lord to arrange everything we'll need for the journey? What if we rested in knowing that we will never again get these moments back--these moments of metaphorically holding our breath before life as we know it changes. Because it will change. We cannot step forward in faith and obedience without changing. God changes us. He tests, prepares, and refines us along the way. Whether we're waiting because God is still preparing us or so that He can prepare others, waiting is a critical part of the journey. Something I'm learning is that it's not always about me. Sometimes, when there's a delay, it's because the Lord is answering someone else's prayers. Sometimes it's because He is orchestrating perfectly, as only He can, the chain of events that need to come to pass so that I can springboard over the edge and begin the glorious descent into His Will. The plans of the diligent lead to profit as surely as haste leads to poverty." Proverbs 21;5 What if we choose to believe that God has us where He wants us when he wants us there, if we are willing and obedient? For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 So, while I'm waiting, standing here on the precipice of my future, looking down at all that lies before me and waiting on Him to propel me into His plans for me, I'll take it all in. I'll be still and watch as He does His thing. I'll drink in the moments of quiet anticipation and reflect on all God has done, all the ways He's been faithful in leading me and praise Him while I'm waiting. |
Mandy is:Wife to 1. Mom to 6. Lovin' Jesus. Living' Life. Laughin' at the craziness of it all. Archives
September 2017
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Mandy Pagano